a movie review: alice in wonderland

I went to the variety store on Adelaide and Central because it was forty-one degrees and I wanted a chocolate and peanut covered ice cream cone thing and ended up renting this dumb piece of crap movie for one dollar and nineteen cents.

The aisles are narrow and this gigantic guy was blocking off the Doritos so I absently scanned over the movies selection. Because I also wanted Doritos. It occurred to me that watching a movie might be totally fun and awesome, but standing before the rack of DVDs was like an extended version of my four-second early morning stupor wherein I held deodorant in one hand and my toothbrush in the other and I wasn’t sure which to stick in my mouth. A dazed, wow-what-a-terrible-selection, stasis.

I mulled over The Decent II but opted out when the Doritos blocking guy finally got the hell out of the way and I realized I was mulling over the Decent II.

As I was paying for the Drumstick and Cool Ranch Doritos I saw that Alice in Wonderland was on the counter, having just been returned that very minute. Didn’t I want to see that when it was in theatres? Didn’t I get all bummed out and bitchy when I found out my friends saw it without me? Might it not be totally fun and awesome to watch Alice in Wonderland tonight? So I rented the piece of shit.

That night I got super drunk at the Black Shire with my boyfriend, and when we got home I made a we’re-drunk-and-will-eat-anything-smashed-together-with-anything-right-now breakfast type meal. First I simmered some asparagus to soften it up a bit, drained out the water, and sautéed it in butter with sliced creminis, shallots, and garlic with fresh dill and some cumin, salt and pepper. And probably accidentally pot ash. I whipped up some eggs with a bit of cream and sloshed that in the pan, adding some old white cheddar and romano while we toasted some of the roasted garlic bread my boyfriend made a couple days earlier. Too bad I basically hurled it all up after one second of Alice in Wonderland.

I didn’t really.

So then I was like, “Holy crap! We should watch Alice in Wonderland while we eat this! Holy shit!” So I stuck it in my laptop at the end of our bed, where all great film is viewed in our apartment.

As soon as the music began playing I started smashing my head in.
“Is this seriously the music? Wasn’t this exact score used in Edward Scissor Hands and Nightmare Before Christmas and Batman Returns except way better then because I wasn’t effing sick as hell of it?”

Then something happens that I don’t remember. She had to marry some gross dude or something. I was pretty distracted by her lame pale-face make-up. Then the rabbit appears, and I was like, “What the shit? That’s the rabbit? That dumb stupid thing?” because it looked beyond fake and into embarrassing.

The omelette was really, really good. Then she falls down the ultra-terrible computer generated hole and enters the ultra-terrible computer generated “wonderland” and we turned it off after ten minutes of this chick in front of a blue screen doing shit I didn’t care about.

I vaguely remember thinking Johnny Depp looked like Ronald McDonald and a crack addicted lobster made a mistake-baby.

All in all a good day, though. Drumstick, Doritos, beer, omelette. Alice in Wonderland, though, is basically stupidest movie alive. FYI.