dogtimes news.

i met two different dogs last night. one was a blind caramelishery coloured husky. instead of her eyes glinting green or something in the dark, it was a milky gross colour! but a nice dog. her dogfriend was another dog, a german shep-lard born with her back legs paralized forever! she must have been a real badnasty rat in her last life or something, probz spread mad plagues. but she had a wheelie harness! DOGONWHEELS! and i touched her gimpy little back legs. they were skinny and flopped around and i was like, "well these are sure a coupla useless old things."

in chicago, where water's real expensive and they put nacholiquidcheezefoods on everything! OR RANCH.

red hash.

i came home and side three of beach house's teen dream was in the record player. on the record player? in sexual love with the record player.
jensen and i learned real good lots of things about it when we went to target hi-fi for a new needle. how to balance the arm, how it works, why our technics sl-1900 is a machine from the swamplusted heavens.
it's real old, like.
i came home and cecil was comfortably asleep on the sofa. i'm a megagaylord, but basically my life barometer is the happiness of our cat.
i miss denice and it's a warmgoodmiss. she's picking magic from gooseberry bushes far east of here, and jensen and i are biking down real big hills at one in the morning, and dave's talking magic near the river. magic i saw stream down a bearded face.
me and my antique birdlady. we won't ever die.

i was thinking i'll grow my eyebrows out. then i remembered i'm in a wedding pretty soon. you know?
so i'll listen to side three of teen dream while the tomatoes i bought from a farmer named rick, roast.

a movie review: alice in wonderland

I went to the variety store on Adelaide and Central because it was forty-one degrees and I wanted a chocolate and peanut covered ice cream cone thing and ended up renting this dumb piece of crap movie for one dollar and nineteen cents.

The aisles are narrow and this gigantic guy was blocking off the Doritos so I absently scanned over the movies selection. Because I also wanted Doritos. It occurred to me that watching a movie might be totally fun and awesome, but standing before the rack of DVDs was like an extended version of my four-second early morning stupor wherein I held deodorant in one hand and my toothbrush in the other and I wasn’t sure which to stick in my mouth. A dazed, wow-what-a-terrible-selection, stasis.

I mulled over The Decent II but opted out when the Doritos blocking guy finally got the hell out of the way and I realized I was mulling over the Decent II.

As I was paying for the Drumstick and Cool Ranch Doritos I saw that Alice in Wonderland was on the counter, having just been returned that very minute. Didn’t I want to see that when it was in theatres? Didn’t I get all bummed out and bitchy when I found out my friends saw it without me? Might it not be totally fun and awesome to watch Alice in Wonderland tonight? So I rented the piece of shit.

That night I got super drunk at the Black Shire with my boyfriend, and when we got home I made a we’re-drunk-and-will-eat-anything-smashed-together-with-anything-right-now breakfast type meal. First I simmered some asparagus to soften it up a bit, drained out the water, and sautéed it in butter with sliced creminis, shallots, and garlic with fresh dill and some cumin, salt and pepper. And probably accidentally pot ash. I whipped up some eggs with a bit of cream and sloshed that in the pan, adding some old white cheddar and romano while we toasted some of the roasted garlic bread my boyfriend made a couple days earlier. Too bad I basically hurled it all up after one second of Alice in Wonderland.

I didn’t really.

So then I was like, “Holy crap! We should watch Alice in Wonderland while we eat this! Holy shit!” So I stuck it in my laptop at the end of our bed, where all great film is viewed in our apartment.

As soon as the music began playing I started smashing my head in.
“Is this seriously the music? Wasn’t this exact score used in Edward Scissor Hands and Nightmare Before Christmas and Batman Returns except way better then because I wasn’t effing sick as hell of it?”

Then something happens that I don’t remember. She had to marry some gross dude or something. I was pretty distracted by her lame pale-face make-up. Then the rabbit appears, and I was like, “What the shit? That’s the rabbit? That dumb stupid thing?” because it looked beyond fake and into embarrassing.

The omelette was really, really good. Then she falls down the ultra-terrible computer generated hole and enters the ultra-terrible computer generated “wonderland” and we turned it off after ten minutes of this chick in front of a blue screen doing shit I didn’t care about.

I vaguely remember thinking Johnny Depp looked like Ronald McDonald and a crack addicted lobster made a mistake-baby.

All in all a good day, though. Drumstick, Doritos, beer, omelette. Alice in Wonderland, though, is basically stupidest movie alive. FYI.

that teeny tiny little dog.

i saw wolf parade last night and their new musicsongs were ridiculously h'amazing. plus i drove in a real car that i have for a week now that mom's off to visit my bro in vancougar! do i have to work everyday? i don't even know! but school's done forever after my class today -- which will take place at the grad club around pitchers of beer. oh, plus i have an exam to write apparently. what is this science class i am in.

SPRINGVENTURES. SOON. last night was something of a springventure: getting gas in kitchener!! PARALLEL PARKING! completely missing the opening band! singing along to paul simon real loud!
luke's birthday was fantastictimes, just don't ask me to prove it because i did not take-a-photo. i spilled one of his beers then it volcano'd out the top.

here's that flower.
i was hanging out in a rail yard or something? and met an old dude who is a train and ship photographer, named john. i was killing time before visiting the apartment i'm moving into with my dang sweetheart. hflhaew;oufjxalCOOKINGANDLISTENINGTORECORDS

and we shall eat a sandwich each day.

tobermory story.

i saw the water bleed blue. it was cold cold cold like a basement you never went into.
i saw the water construct a body, and smash itself like a bomb filled with confetti. a lighthouse gazed on, as dumb as it was tall.
i saw the water bleed blue.

mister haney's diner reminder.

two-toned tea brunch!

getting your fries to go is never ever a good idea. it is never ever a good idea because you'll get home and put them on the counter and two hours later those fries are dried out where not eerily soggy, tepid, and of a sibling texture to long forgotten cardboard in the basement. but my god, good friends, that will not stop you from eating until nothing remains in the cheap styrofoam casket but a slick sheen and a few granules of iodized salt.

father sky and cedar.

dear cali, oh hi: life isn't a challenge to see how much food you can consume in a day, everyday. jesus christ.
today denice and i fed ducks but mostly geese and denice called them "fat assholes," and i laughed a lot at that.
at work i discussed, at great length, the hilarious and traumatizing aftermath of accidentally purchasing 'AM instead of HAM. what is 'am? was it once ham? a variation? twice boiled ham? ham from a hamsack? clams in clamshackles?
no it's brainmeat. we toyed with the idea of it being pressed and molded into the shape of a radio with functional knobs and antennae.

bedroom dancingg YYAY!!

skinnova grapefruit.

jenn illuminated my weekend with her visit.

one summer, i lived with jenn and her family, and we shared her bedroom. and worked at armen's cafe together. she emptied out some dresser drawers for me to use.
i lived with her the next summer, too, in a one bedroom attic apartment with dev. they emptied out a whole room for me.
the... only room.

i am so fortunate to love, and be loved.

meringue-a-dang.

signs of life and lustre (WITH HOTGIRLPIXX):
luke and i had a really really romantic date today eating pizza and watching SKINS (see: all of my dreams coming true). his armscar is like the equator: HOT, and previously clamped together with seventy nine thousand metal thumbtacks, or something. i'm not good with medical jargon. or geographical metaphors.

denice and i went on a hot date too!!! ICYHOT. like an old man's arthritic elbow medicine pad.

we also met jenzzen at the market and he shared cheese curds! they didn't even squeak in my teeth like some do, thank god. it makes me feel like i'm eating a plasticcyrubber doll's head. that's more like, nightmarish shit.

dev and i discussed a dark chocolate cake with maple custard filling. or was it chocolate fudge? and maple? peanut butter was discussed briefly. then i went the fuck to marble slab.

advanced green and PHANTOM BOWLING.

because no one actually went bowling.
i've decided on the names of my next two dogs: dog one will be "mallfood" and dog two will be "sexdog."
SEXDOG.
and i'll excitedly tell people to watch-the-fuck-out (!!) for the adventures of MALLFOOD and SEXDOG (!!!). then gesticulate wildly in the direction of two sleeping dogs on a dumb rug beside a small pile of kibbly dogpuke. i also imagined, but did not mention, that i would be wearing a cape. and the next scene is me cleaning up the vomit sadly, still wearing the cape. this just became a tiny film.

cecil ryan threatens to leave home.

right. in the physical world, i bought a hardcover copy of the norton anthology of theory and criticism today from the library, it was three dollars! i'm nerding out with joy. but it's a hundred dollars new! AND the norton anthology of poetry. eight bucks! new best friends.

black comedy beer sign.

i'm not even drunk! basically i just want to not put on a coat when i leave the house. and super stoked to find out what this summer's hotawesomenewbeer will be! i'm banking on budlight cilantro. budlight dorito? budlight chilicheesenachos. something distinctly south-of-the-border but anglo-friendly.

OMG BUDLIGHT BURRITO!

budlight volcanolayer hotdog from taco bell.

as observed by wendal.

blogger.com is getting so popular on my roll-down address menu up top there that is has nearly surpassed ninja video* where i attempt to watch skins but it doesn't work so i try to watch it's always sunny in philadelphia** and it also doesn't work and i broke down and watched half of the first episode of jersey shore? or jersey beach or whatever? then solemnly closed my laptop. yes that was the same night i watched austin powers the spy who shagged me. when did this become a pit of shames?

*which i always call, "video ninja," to which luke replies, "it's not an actual ninja, cali."
** the internet bitchninja can suck a major doogie cuz jensen got me season IV on dvd yessssss.
ugh i still really want to watch those skins episodes, though.

i invented a rice pudding tonight i think? i boiled basmati in coconut milk with sugar and cocoa and cinnamon. served it with cream and sliced bernerners. bulbormnords. with some more cinnamon on top YEAHDANG.
you can come over and have some if you want.
dev moving in has been a brilliant awesome thing.

they spelled "zebrathing" wrong.

dragonslayer wardrobe.

i'm the biggest lame-o girl in the world because getting a flower is the best thing pretty much ever. i took some very provocative pictures of it but have left my camera at notmyhouse and am feeling very vulnerable and hungover without it. although the hangover might not be directly related. maybe drinking last night was making up for friday night: me, two kinds of chips and austin powers the spy who shagged me. wtf.

i thought i was a good hostess with the whole cake-crammed-inna-bag, but elli totally showed me up by enthusiastically offering to cook me a steak as soon as i entered her house. hahahahaha.

mmmmmmnow for some applesauce. i fucking love applesauce. and i'm drying the flower.

this is me turning twenty-five.

the night ended with me cramming a handful of chocolate cake and some loose cashews into a plastic baggie, and blasting it full with canned whip cream for carson to take home. because i'm a real courteous hostess.
then i think jensen and i watched an episode of the mighty boosh. i am both horrified by, and in frantic love with, the crackfox.

i'm a great DANE.

jk. that's a freaking DOG.
owen pallett played peach plum pear. so my life is basically completed. again. that was five Ps in a row, by the by. i'm an alliterationer practioner.

so i guess the only thing that blows about having the best tattoo artist in the quasiverse do your tattoo is that you have your consultaion in february and the apointment is in august. what does that even mean? if i die before then they'd prbably be like, "aww..." and quietly pocket my deposit cash.
jk again didn't leave any.
anyway it's MIKE AUSTIN. yessssssforever. great horned owl sleeve? okay. geeze.

i made a grilled sandwich with paneer. did i already say that? it was awesome. paneer and spinach and tomato and mustard and cumin? i think? dang.

jensen got a mac = forty hundred thousand of these.

a quick maneuver through the sands of SPACE.

maneuver. man-mover. freddy kreuger.
!!!EGHEWGyfswh i shouldn't have said freddy kreuger! ugh, oh man, see this is how word association games give me nightmares. never again before bed!

my brother had a giant poster of freddy kreugers gross face and clawnails scraping his gross face on his bedroom door when i was a kid. between that, and flashing me the cover of CUJO, i was in a constant state of fear.

this image is permanently and damagingly forever-charred in my brainhole.

imagine if cujo was freddy kreuger's DOG?? and they drove around in that evil car from that horror movie which i think may have been called, the car? or satan's car or something. maybe i'm making this up. anyway i'll never sleep again.

real quick before the owen pallett mind show.

so that thing is a "valentine" i made. the concept was to basically take the least ever flattering picture of us and make it lessleaster more unflattering. from my heart.

owen pallett isn't really performing a mind show. i imagine it will be his usual "hi guys i play the violin real fancy so you all piss yourself" kind of show. and frankly, i don't even know what a mind show is. NOT a hypnotist.

via texting, on cellular phones, luke and i had an excellent conversation just this exact second almost. highlights inlcude: his mustyache getting him BACK IN THE GOOD BOOKS of an important/influencial big city dj, and him calling me his mom.

today in class i suggested that idiot readers of books get mad at "vague" writing because they need some big lame direct message and get effed in the head if it's actually just about imagery or some shit. right? those people should watch the olympics. it's very clearly laid out what's what: gold, silver, bronze.
all olympics are special olympics.

i bought plaid pants and i wear them with my docs. it really is two thousand and ten o'clock.